It was a dull winter morning, much like every other that Oslo had to offer at this time of year. The saving grace of snow, which made everything prettier and more exciting, was still yet to come. The train was late nonetheless.
But nothing could take down Terje’s spirits today. After years of managing a team, constantly and somewhat miraculously being able do deliver on ever increasing goals, he had been invited to join upper management. Not yet officially part of the C-suite, he was regardless, as Johanna had put it, part of the inner sanctum. That had to count for something, right?
Plus, today, at his first higher up meeting, he would have the pleasure of announcing that the company was closer than ever to one million kroner gross profit, although every one just mentioned it as milnok. It rolled off the tongue much better, particularly when it was repeated over and over again.
It had been a very demanding year. He had seen his team demoralized with yet another “strategic workforce reduction”, had scrambled to come up with ever more convoluted ways to squeeze out productivity and new ideas, had had to rally his workers in ways like never before, in the face of plummeting morale. He was sure he had made the right calls, that nothing could have been done better within the bounds of the law. His competency was not up for debate, though they had failed to deliver on milnok by the end of the year. The company would just have to understand that he could not perform miracles, that his scope was the realm of reality, not of religion.
His musings were suddenly cut off by the ping of the elevator. Sixth floor had been reached and he was early, despite the late train. He entered into an almost empty office, only Johanna, his boss, there to greet him. He had never been able to beat her to the office, nor seen her leave before him. For all his and other people’s accounts, she had an umbilical cord between her and the building. There was never any mention of family, of kids, a husband or wife. Only efficiency, profit, performance indicators, calls for new ideas. But that was okay, he wasn’t particularly extroverted and didn’t mind working with someone as reserved as her.
“Fancy some coffee?”, she asked.
“Sure, I woke up pretty early and could use some before the meeting.”
“Okay, let’s go then”, and she pulled out her door key card and paced out, directing him to come. He half expected the coffee to come from the machine right there in the office, but wasn’t about to start questioning Johanna’s decisions now. Plus, going out for coffee was unusual enough to peak his interest. Unusual as in “never in my history at the company”.
They walked for about ten minutes, enjoying the cold weather in their face and the protective warmth of their jackets, making small talk. Anyone trying to join in would notice that both were horrible at it, like two penguins trying to dance the tango. Entering a small cozy coffee shop, she ordered for both and paid. Again, unexpected. Again, uncontested. They sat down on a table for two.
“So… Terj… Once again, congratulations on your promotion. I hope you’re excited for your first board meeting.”
“Thanks! Yes, I’m quite excited, sleeping was quite a chore today. Although I can’t shake off the fact that we didn’t hit our goals this year. It was hard on all of us, and I feel like I let the company down, even though I wouldn’t have done anything different.”
Terje’s smile gradually turned into a frown but Johanna gave him a sympathetic look.
“Don’t beat yourself up, we all did what we could and we’ll try again next year”. There was a pause and her eyes went glassy for a few moments, as if she was trying to pick her words precisely. She continued.
“Listen, about today’s agenda. What have you heard about the board meetings? Do you have any clue about what happens, how they are conducted?”
“No, not really, I don’t even know where they are held, I’ve never seen you use the floor’s meeting rooms. People talk, of course. They say that those meetings are pretty strict, that management feels different when they come out of them, like they’ve been making deals with the devil or something. But I tend to ignore silly ramblings. Unless you tell me the devil actually attends the meetings, in which case I’m likely underdressed!”
Terje’s joke got a small chuckle, a bit less than he had hoped for but more than enough to not break his ego. He wondered if he was getting a pity laugh or if he was touching a sensitive subject. Could Johanna be a christian? He was reminded he knew absolutely nothing about the woman next to him, other than the fact that she liked coffee and money. At least they had that much in common.
“Ha, the devil does not indeed attend those meetings. You know how we are, do you think the descriptions of hell indicate good leadership and efficient gross profit exploration? Of course not! You know what we are all about and you know the lengths we go through to achieve it. One thing can be said about the rumors being true. We are pretty strict. I know you’re looking forward to talk about how we got so close to the milnok and how you did your best, but I’ll ask you to refrain from talking in this meeting. Perhaps the next one too. Just take in what we do and how we work and soon enough you’ll be one of us. I promise you two things. First, no one will take credit for what you did. We work as one, all accomplishments are team efforts and all stumbles are team failings. Second, you’re in for a very interesting event, like you’ve never imagined, so be happy with that but also try to maintain your decorum. We’ve had some people get a bit hysteric in their first board meeting. Those people are not with us anymore.”
Terje was quite taken aback, “I feel like you’re grooming me for a cult of something, Johanna”. She managed another half smile.
“Nothing of the sort. But we have to get back, we don’t want to be late”.
They arrived again at their company building and squeezed into the old elevator. But Johanna didn’t go up, she grabbed a metal key for the elevator lock and pressed levels minus two and minus three simultaneously. Terje had never seen anything so odd, all of the bottom levels were just parking, and the whole thing felt like it had come out of a fantasy book. After minus two, the elevator slowed down and seemed to stop before reaching the lowest parking floor. The door opened.
He saw himself standing in an ornate vestibule, the walls painted in what looked like mythology figures, with gold accents here and there. The scenes were of Vikings looting towns and taking their coin. It read like a story, but it was incomplete, continuing into the corridor in front of him. To his sides, history was interrupted by two rooms, indicating two genders. In the middle of the room, a table held carefully folded cowls. Johanna signaled to him to pay attention and spoke in a low voice.
“You’ll be fine, this is just the way we do things around here. Just go in there, remove all metal in you, keys, shoes, belt buckles, anything and everything. There are lockers there, just pick one, don’t worry about keys. Put on a hood and come out, I’ll be waiting here for you.”
Terje hesitated but Johanna’s ease brought him back to reality. Sure, it was a weird way to conduct a board meeting, but what of it? Certainly cosplaying would at least make everyone be on equal footing of silliness. And if Johanna had been in these meetings for so long, they should at least be “safe”. He scoffed at his thoughts that a board meeting could be less than. “I am pretty shaken by this, I guess that’s why she told me to try to keep it cool”.
The room was indeed a basic locker room, where he found Olaf already putting on the hood. Like him, he had been promoted. Olaf came from the marketing team however, and while their paths crossed often, they didn’t for too long at a time, just enough to sync on some topics so their efforts were synergistic.
Olaf greeted him as his face was swallowed up by the hood he was putting on.
“Hey, chosen one! How are you doing this fine morning? I didn’t know you were also promoted! How are you finding the new digs? Kind of eerie, kind of creepy, right?”
Terje agreed. “Yup, I expected a bit more Boston Legal, a bit less Harry Potter. Where’s your boss? Viktoria, right? How did you get here without her?”
“Oh, she’s probably already gone in, she looked to be in a bit of a rush, we didn’t even talk this morning.”
“Ah, so you didn’t get the talk from her before you got here?” – Olaf’s face revealed sincere confusion, to which Terje just let out “nevermind”, and proceeded to do as instructed, removing all of the metal in him.
The cowl he was given was all black, save for a red hem around the hood itself. He found some grey slippers in the locker and took them. While the whole scenario screamed of a mix between cult and upper management ideas gone wrong but sticking forever because the “investment was already done”, he could see having comfortable feet actually being a feature that should be implemented company-wide. They felt homely, so at least his feet felt anchored in a semblance of normalcy. Much unlike the rest of him, now a monk with a face hidden in the shadow.
Terje left, with Olaf behind, both dodging some men entering the locker room, and they joined Johanna. She was now also wearing a cowl, but there was no red, a yellow band replacing it. No more words were uttered, they felt now forbidden. They proceeded through the corridor, where his attention again was spent absorbing the story told by the walls.
In here, the Vikings were making their return home, their ships loaded with gold and treasure. Eventually this treasure was given as an offering of kneeling men and women to a… Gnome? He wondered if it was a nisse, a household spirit that offered boons. It seemed to track as the depictions seemed to imply that the offerings of gold to this red capped entity brought about a good harvest and fertility. It wasn’t exactly as the old folklore put it, but either it or the walls could be mistaken, probably both.
Eventually the corridor came to an end into a rounded domed room, with dark humble wooden chairs all around it in two circular rows. Unlike the corridor and vestibule, this chamber was bereft of any paintings, ornaments or paint even. The bare grey of concrete made this an oppressing room, one where enjoyment did not seem to be an option. The floor itself was made out of wooden planks on the perimeter, almost as if the chairs had grown into it or sprouted from of it. The center was made out of dirt, as if someone had forgotten to take into account this round section when constructing the building. And separating them was a small concrete groove in a full circle than then cut across the wood at the other end of the chamber, disappearing into a hole in the wall.
In the center of all of this stood a short and stout humanoid figure. It had a green and red long woolen shirt, with a belt on top of its plump abdomen and grey pants underneath. It wore brown boots with no laces. It had a white beard that covered its mandible and a bit of its almost absent neck, blue eyes, a wide nose, and a red pointed cap.
And it was looking at him. Or rather, into him. It smiled disconcertingly. He felt his mind violated, his intentions bare, his desires exposed. Inside of him, he could hear a voice.
“What do you desire, young man?”
He could not lie, he had no power to do it, he could only think of truth. And the truth he thought was
“Gross profit.”
The nisse looked appeased. Terje would survive another day.